An old friend wrote to me about marriage and children and such things and asked my opinion… I wrote it and read over it before I sent and decided I’d like to see it here too. I’d like to have it at hand for a quick read when I forget that this really is how I feel. Here it is. Enjoy. Or not.
I don’t know how to explain it but I think in some weird way it’s us that are normal and the rest of them (the marrying birthing couples) that are not. I think that “happily ever after” is beautiful and I too feel jealous sometimes of the couples whose lives consist of each other and seem blindly happy. However I don’t think that sort of happiness is real. I think real happiness with another person can only be achieved when you are happy with yourself, by yourself, and feel complete and satisfied with yourself as you are. These fairy tale couples for the most part don’t last more than a few years (statistically proven since more than 50% of first marriages fail) because they marry with the impulse of those feelings ALL relationships have the first year or so. They stop their lives to live together, marry, and have children and the momentum of all this carries them through a few years and then, when there is nothing else socially expected of them (such as marrying and giving birth,) they start to look around, sometimes get bored or become boring to their partner, and decide to live for themselves instead of their families and husbands/wives because they didn’t do enough of this when they should have.
I don’t think it’s about taking a risk with someone. Yes marriage is a risk even when you’ve known the other person for 10 years, but the risk in that scenario isn’t a stupid one; it’s financial, emotional, and psychological. Whereas the risk you’re talking about (marrying after a few months or weeks) is stupid. There’s a stigma placed on men and women who don’t need another person to be happy or a child to feel accomplished but this is exactly why so many other people end up miserable in their mid life. They move too fast. They skip over the real good stuff. I think we’re supposed to focus on careers and one night stands and bad EXTREMELY TEMPORARY relationships at this age and for many more years to come. I think these experiences, having a career, being independent, learning life on your own for a little while, are what make people strong enough to be a good partner for someone else as well as to withstand the challenges that relationships bring after that blissful first year has passed. How else can you get to know someone if you don’t know yourself? How much can you give to someone if you’re not done giving to yourself everything you think you deserve? How much can you love what someone else is made of and what they stand for if you haven’t completely fallen in love with your own life and your own person? Sounds gay, I know, but this is what I feel. It’s what keeps my head above the water when I see the engagement rings and the swelling bellies and I’m still without any of it. I’ll tell you something else, it has nothing to do with having the right person either, at least not for me.
After being single for 3 yrs and having all types of personalities, dysfunctional relationships, overly functional relationships and everything in between, I can say that my bf now is perfect for me. He gives me room, respects me, loves me, puts me in my place when I need it, pampers me, etc.. But he briefly started talking mortgages and bedrooms sets a few weeks ago and I had a panic attack of my own. It’s just that I AM NOT READY to even THINK about sharing my space with another person. I cannot fathom the idea of getting home after work and having to be pleasant to another person or having to share a remote control or having to wear any clothes to sit on the couch or having to do anything for anyone else because I “have to” because we live together because it’s the way it is. Yuck. I need to live alone before I share a living space with someone else, much less share my whole life with them. But, between you and I, I think once I live alone I might not be able to live with anyone else after. I don’t know. I don’t have any answers and I don’t think I know what I’m talking about either. Maybe tomorrow I wake up and I want to give it all up, take a 9 to 5 and a small apartment somewhere and throw my birth control out the car window because what I think is right; this whole lifestyle of finding your own path before you walk beside someone else, is really fucking hard and sometimes a little lonely, and a lot like swimming against the current because it feels, even when you someone, like you’re alone in what you think. It’s weird. Or maybe we ARE a little retarded.
1 Comment
June 12, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Totally agree that you have to find personal contentment. I don’t know how harmony can exist in a relationship when one of the people in it is discontent.
Cool blog!