Soon it’ll be 3:02. I wonder if there is anything I can do to just stay awake all the time. I just work so much better late
at night, whether I’m tired or not, unless I have to read something for school, then I fall asleep like I was shot with a horse tranquillizer. Whatever the case, I always think to myself that there has to be something I can do, legal and not absurdly harmful to my health, to keep me awake longer. When I sleep in I can’t get as much done as I’d like because I need to be at work halfway through the afternoon. When I wake up very early then I catch up, as much as possible, with all the stuff I need and want to do before going into work, but by the time I get out of work I’m dead tired and just want to watch TV (no objections to that, I just wish I had the energy to do more) or go straight to bed when I get home.
I want to have a good four hours to read each day. I want time to run, swim, bike, or exert myself in some other athletic way. I want time to be seduced into wanting to be intimate for hours, and then I want time to stay in bed thinking or talking or flipping through the channels in his arms. I want time to write! I need to sit someone and look around until the words arrange themselves in my mind. I cannot rush myself into writing, not the writing I want to be doing anyway. I want time to solve a crossword puzzle, cheating by looking up the hints online when I can’t figure them out, and getting distracted by the stuff I learn in the process. I want time to learn to relax long enough to meditate for at least 15 minutes, just 15.
I want the time to do all these things without jeopardizing my health by not sleeping; even though just staying awake seems easier and makes much more sense. But it doesn’t seem like this is an option. The only solution I can imagine is waking up around 8am every day and assigning each of my desired activities to a day of the week. How freakin’ boring is that? Scheduled fun? Yuck! Either way, to wake up early I’d need to fall asleep by 10pm, and this is humanly impossible for me. I dance for three hours minimum each night, the adrenaline alone keeps me awake for a few hours after work. Another solution, and this one is ridiculous but an option either way, I can start taking sleeping pills. Some nights I finish working at 10pm, but when I get home I can immediately shower and drug myself to sleep. Then I’ll be up early and will have more time day time, sort of. But what about when school starts again? Hmm I don’t wanna think about school.
I don’t know how to make more time and I don’t want to schedule myself. If I tell myself that Wednesdays and crossword solving day I’ll rid myself of my newfound hobby. I like my new hobby and I really want to pick up a few more. I need more time.
2 Comments
July 14, 2008 at 1:29 am
Been there. I was an insomniac for four years…coinciding with a long bout with depression. During that time I’ve learned one thing….there isn’t enough time in a day, but there’s enough time in a lifetime. I stayed up long nights reading books or writing blog entries or doing homework, and I got stuff done but I worked myself to a frazzle. You have to pace yourself. If you don’t you’ll burn yourself out on the things you enjoy.
Things you once enjoyed will become things you no longer enjoy if they begin to become obligations, so don’t schedule for sure. Let things come naturally.
Start early as you’ve done and you’ll accomplish much more than someone who doesn’t start reading or pursuing hobbies till they’re 45. Sadly you won’t accomplish everything, but who does? Life should have a few untied strings, it meant you were busy till the end.
July 11, 2008 at 3:09 am
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